In the midst of a early Halloween trick, a early autumn blizzard, I lost power on the afternoon of Saturday October 29th . At first it flickered, but I did not lose hope. Then silence. No lights, no computer, no television and more than 20 minutes had passed. I did not even begin to think about losing no heat, a working stove, microwave and refrigeration on an unusually cold October afternoon. Still hopeful, I had prepared dinner earlier in the day so I could just relax and reheat. No big deal, Dad and I will have a cold dinner, a picnic and ghost stories by candle light. My hopes of a quiet night did not last long, Dad was deeply distressed. Without a television, how could he see the Notre Dame football game? I tried to be loving and initially ventured out in the snowy wind to see if there was television at a local bar. When we could barely make it down the street without a branch falling from a tree, fear set in. My instincts told me to stay home and cozy up with candles and a blanket. It was not safe to be outside. In the moment I felt fear, real fear, not a false alarm. I said Dad, turn around and go home. He took me home, but insisted on seeing the game. I had to let him go, as scared as I was for him.
I got inside, lit a candle and began to draw. Drawing was like meditating. When it became too dark to draw detail, I started to collage. It was getting darker and Dad was not home. I worried but hoped for the best. Then he walked through the door. We had dinner and shared stories. It was cold. But I felt the warmth of family. I went to bed and prayed for light.
I woke to a cold darkness. It has been one year since I started my path to recovery, recovery from anorexia. I was not willing to risk anything to stay in recovery. So I woke determined to find a safe warm place where I could make a plan. But there was snow to shovel. And Dad and I were on opposite sides of the satellite … he was thinking shovel out to play paddle tennis while I was thinking shovel out to come up with a take shelter plan. It was hard and challenging. I tried my best to be loving. At one point we were screaming at one another. It is hard to be an adult living with a parent, but this was a time when we needed to work together.
After the turmoil there was a release, we thought we found the last hotel room available. Smoking… but we were out of the cold. I was at peace. I went to get a manicure and relax, I was able to charge my phone and saw the influx of emails and texts. That is when I felt love. Friends opening their homes to me. I could hardly believe the warmth and love I received. Still it was hard for me to receive. I did not want to impose or be a pest. At that moment I saw my own inability to freely trust that love is there. I am lovable. I may not be perfect but who is?
Then another challenge. My mother was in the hospital, unconscious with pneumonia in both lungs. I felt the pain deep in my chest. I did not think I could breath.
Then the hotel lost power. I was on survival mode. I decided to go to my apartment in NYC. It was scary and hard because the last time I was there, I was so sick. But I felt it in my heart. I was not tending to it, because it was scary. I feared relapse going there. Yet I had to clean it up and box my things as I prepare to sell it. Here was a great opportunity to have a warm spot, work towards a goal and overcome my fear.
When I look at it I was willing to pay money to stay at an unwelcoming hotel because I was scared … scared I could was not capable of being alone in NYC and taking care of myself. I love my friends, but knew I needed to face the fear of my NYC apartment and tend to lose ends. The most loving thing I could do for myself, my friends and family was to tend to my apartment.
When I arrived, I had no internet, no television, no comforts of home, most of my furniture was gone. But I had heat, hot water and shelter. Books. Art supplies. The support of friends and I felt so connected. Still a little scared. Why?
Without internet, television, radio, etc. The silence is scary. But I realized that it is only scary because I was afraid of what I would hear inside. Then I thought. How can I proclaim to be elegantly green? Sure I recycle, compost and use a travel mug? But I waste electricity with the internet and television. I rely on comfort from energy consuming gadgets.
I wrote this with no internet, no television. Sure I have heat and hot water. But I don’t have any extras. I have found peace with walking around NYC, talking to friends, yes I’m guilty I text, but the love I give helps me see the beauty of my inner goddess.
I don’t think any of us can recognize how truly green we are until we lose power for days. Have to trust our instincts and let go. In the last few days, I have developed more self confidence, deeper connections with friends and new appreciation for just walking around with a smile on my face. Sure I am tired, but it is a good tired. I know I am free, I know I am strong and I do not need Facebook, You Tube, Twitter or Email to make me happy.
As long as I love me I will be happy. I don’t care if I go to bed early, sleep late, listen to weird music, write bizarre poems or read favorite childhood stories. I am me. Thank you to all of those who showed me love, I cannot thank you enough!
* image from Apartment Therapy
