Ms. CoCoVanDerChic

I want to share a story with you … one very close to my heart. I admit this is not my style, but I am acting on a whim … taking a chance and truly believing that we are all connected in spirit.

I lost the man I loved… at a young age.

I gave and gave to him, just hoping for love in return. I knew on some level, he did love me. But self-doubt and addiction clouded the truth. I did not love myself and I cannot speak for him, but I doubt he did either. He was addicted to sex and I was addicted to being thin. We both were calling out for love, living in fear and cuddled like scared koala bears hiding from the truth.

I appeared eager to give and so did he, but we both were not ready to receive. Giving and receiving are both actions. They are actions of love. Love is not a feeling. It is an action. You choose to love. It is the ability to accept, give and receive. It is unconditional and all powerful, when you consciously choose to act out of love. If you believe love to be a feeling or a magical elixir, you will be deeply disappointed. It will fade away just as easily as the high you feel when you put any mind-altering substance in your body.

The man I loved left me out of fear. I rejected him out of a combination of self-doubt and fear. After we parted, a day did not go by when I did not think of him, want him back and wonder why he was not still in my life. I envisioned all of his best qualities coming back and forgot about the ones that caused me pain.

Deep down, I could not take him back because I feared he would always leave me. Losing him again was a pain I could not endure. So I let him go, even when he came knocking at my front door one day. I now know that my real fear was not that he would leave me. My fear was that I had left myself. I did not know how to love me.

When I believed he was a thing of the past., a memory. I saw his phone number pop up on my mobile phone. It was him, he was calling me. A mixture of terror and pain hit me in the gut. I did not answer the call. The sound of the phone ringing, knowing it was him, truly shook my soul.

I was unsure of what to make of his call. Was he sincere? Would he be faithful, or continue to sleep with many other women? I loved him, but I kept a distance between us. My only connection with him for the next year was over the phone or email. I was unwilling to compromise my love. I wanted him alone. I did not want to share him with his sex addiction.

I drown myself in work, achieving a great status job but I soon became too ill to function. He offered to help me heal. His offer tempted me, but I was afraid I would fall far deeper into my illness, anorexia, if he rejected me again. So I asked for some time … time to heal … time to care for myself … to love. I was not ready to receive his love, to love myself or anyone else.

I lived the next 4 months recovering, in treatment, loving him, seeing his smile, feeling his embrace.  I wanted to be healthy for him, to hug him, to share moments together, to save him. Then I learned one day, while I was still in treatment, he was gone.  Lost, given up, taken his own life.

My heart shattered that day. He left me again. Was my love not enough? Why was he too scared to live? Did I cause his pain when I pushed him away?

I spent years longing for a man who was not able to love, in pain, blaming myself and in denial. Years of not loving myself.

But there is a happy ending. Today, I am recovering. I still love him, the only difference is that I found my inner strength. With self-acceptance and the help of truly beautiful friends, I can love and live.

To all of you who have lost someone, lost yourself, please embrace this story as the never ending ability to find your inner strength.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM (Christina Perri Jar of Hearts)